Only When I Sleep
by MacKenzie Rabb
Summary: Mac has serious insomnia, does she think about Harm?


Title: Only When I Sleep  
Author: MacKenzie Rabb  
E-mail: dana_mulder31@hotmail.com  
Rating: G  
Classification: Vignette, Angst, Romance (Harm/Mac)  
Spoilers: "Skeleton Crew/Death Watch"; "Boomerang II"  
Disclaimer: I do not own JAG or any of the characters therein.   
They are all the property of Donald Bellisario, Paramount, and  
CBS. No infringement is intended. I also do not own the song  
"Only When I Sleep".  
Author's Notes: This is my take on what Mac might be thinking   
when she can't sleep (as she said she had trouble doing in   
"Webb Of Lies"). We romantics can only hope. The Corrs song   
was an inspiration as well.  
  
  
********************  
But it's only when I sleep  
See you in my dreams  
Got me spinning round and round  
Turning upside down  
But I only hear you breathe  
Somewhere in my sleep  
Got me spinning round and round  
Turning upside down  
But it's only when I sleep.  
  
- "Only When I Sleep" by The Corrs  
****************************  
  
I rarely sleep for very long at a time. But when I do, oh God,  
when I do, it's sweet torture. I see him everywhere. The only  
man I've ever really loved. The only one who can make me  
want to smile, laugh, cry, or throw something. The only man  
who has devastated my soul, down to the core of my very   
being, just not being able to have him.  
  
It's only when I sleep that I'm allowed to touch him, kiss him,   
wrap my arms around him, absorb his warmth, and inhale his   
scent. I couldn't stop it if I tried. Unfortunately my subconcious   
is the one thing I can't control, and the one thing I hate the most.  
  
The jolt of electricity I feel every time he lays eyes on me is the   
same in my dreams. Only in my dreams I don't have to look away   
and pretend it didn't happen.  
  
My dreams of him are so real that I see and experience everything   
*too* clearly. I'm submerged in a haze of feeling safe, warm, and loved.  
It pulls at my heart, and startles me awake, and I have to catch my   
breath and tell myself it isn't real.  
  
But I see that beautiful face, and those gorgeous green eyes no   
matter what. Waking or sleeping, they're always there. I see the   
way he looks at me, the special glances that seem reserved only   
for me. But are they really? Sometimes I wonder. He naturally attracts   
women, whether he means to or not. Does he look at them that way   
too? Not that I could blame a girl for trying for him. He has good   
qualities, attractive qualities. Namely, respect for women, which   
is hard to find.  
  
Lying here in the dark, wondering how I'm ever going to get   
through this, I remember the few times he's called me Sarah.   
It may sound silly, but my name is like music coming from his   
lips. It's amazing what it does to me, the way he says it so soft   
and low.  
  
The way he said it in Australia. That conversation plays over   
and over in my head. He knew I wanted him that night. I all but   
said the exact words. But it was clear, and he knew it. And still,   
he couldn't do anything. I know he wanted to, I could see it in his  
eyes. But I still looked like his murdered girlfriend, and somehow   
it still made all the difference in the world to him. He couldn't get   
past it, wouldn't let it go.  
  
When he *can* get over it, I imagine I'll still be here. But my   
sanity is another story. Sometimes I wish Diane had never   
happened to him. That would've made it easier for me. I don't   
mean to sound selfish. I know he loved her, and I'm sorry   
something so tragic, after all the tragedy in his life, had to   
happen to him. The point is, a ghost can't stand in our way   
forever. So why can't he see that?  
  
We've both had a lot of pain in our lives, and just when we   
need each other to hold onto, we let it slip away.  
  
So here I am, night after sleepless night, wishing, hoping,   
wondering about things that may never happen.  
  
And all the time I'm doing those things, I realize it would be   
unexpected of me. Tough, dependable, brave, that's what I'm   
supposed to be. Sometimes I wonder if some people even see   
me as human. But I am just a woman, just a girl with a heart and   
soul, and the ability to fall in love like everyone else. Maybe Harm   
has never realized that.  
  
I just don't know how much longer I can stand him giving me the   
jitters, and trying to hide it. My heart contracts every time I see him.   
I've never felt anything so painful. If he notices how tense I am   
around him these days, it doesn't register on the outside. My   
breath gets caught in my throat when he looks me in the eye.   
I have to control the impulse to reach out and touch him, but   
that's my fault for imagining it so much.  
  
If I'm not careful, I'll make a complete fool out of myself.   
I'll never stop wishing that Harm wasn't such a fool, and   
that he would stop ignoring what's between us.  
  
The swirling images in my mind every night won't let *me*  
forget or ignore anything. No matter how hard I try, I'm just   
not happy. I'm sick and tired of coming home to just a dog,   
and a cold, empty bed.   
  
Harm doesn't know he's hurting me, and I know he never   
would intentionally. I trust him with my life, but not my heart.   
Not right now. He would have to prove a lot of things to me   
before that happens, no matter how much I love him. I just   
wish I knew if he loved me like that. Even if we couldn't be   
together right now, it might give me some comfort to know   
I wasn't alone in this. But if I knew, I guess things would be   
different.  
  
I'm tired of being confused, and I'm tired in general. Nights   
like this make things worse. There's a perfect sky, full of perfect   
stars, and a full moon out there, and he's not here to share it with   
me. It makes me want to die sometimes.  
  
Partners, best friends, it's not enough anymore. The only place   
I'll ever have what *is* enough is in my dreams, only when I sleep.  
  
  
THE END  



End file.
